However this year there was one younger person on my team, it was strange for me. I was not sure how to feel about it. This past year has made me think a lot of about getting older. About the things I want to accomplish. I am now 24 years old. To be truthfully honest I do not know what I want. I want security but I want freedom. I currently do not believe one can have both. I long for the freedom of no job and to travel the world. However I cringe the thought of not having a job and a stable environment.
I started worrying about getting older. I have had thoughts such as, I should start my career soon. I should be making a lot more money. I should have a steady boyfriend and get ready to marry soon. Really? This is what I was worrying about. Then you watch the movie like Benjamin Button, or P.S. I love you and it makes you think. The truth is were always getting older, perhaps even wiser. I like getting that warm feeling inside telling me is going to be alright.
I have learned so much from this job and previous encounters. I have had real life situations. I have been under a lot of pressure. I have made many mistakes over and over this past year. I regret it sometimes but than again I do not because I learned from them, and hope not to make them again. I miss having someone so close to me. The truth is, sometimes some things are not meant to be.
One thing I have learned is to work very very hard in whatever it is I do. My parents told me this since I was very young. To prove yourself so no one can doubt what you are capable of. Being a leader is something your born with, at least that is what I believe. I always look for new challenges. My current job is no longer challenging me. Part of me is very bitter. I feel as though I have worked so hard for this company. Sometimes I believe that they do not care about anything but results. I have done everything I could. I have trained my co-workers well. In fact we have done more than the rest of the teams. I am bitter that now that I want to move up, do something different there is no guarantee for me. However I knew this all along, its corporate America. It is a brutal reality. I know it is not ok to feel this way, and everyday it gets easier. I let go a little, I sometimes regret working so hard, or just feel like I do not care. But the matter of the fact I do care and I do not regret it, because in the long run I proved to be the best that I can. I hope that they realize this and I know that one day I will get to where I want to be.
So as of now since I cannot take my long 4-5 month trip around the world, I am going to travel Europe for 5 weeks. I also started playing with the idea of working in exchange for a place to sleep and eat. I found some websites that allow people to do this in other countries. I have longed to stay in Israel for an extended amount of time, however things are not that great right now, so plans have changed again. I have decided to work in southern France or Greece either on a farm or somewhere in the country. I just want to learn a different language. I do not want to worry about things, just live life at this moment. Most of the places I looked are on 7 acres of land, with the mountains as the view or something so peaceful and full of nature, I cannot wait. I believe I can do this after my European backpacking. Just stay in one place for a while. I can't wait to meet new people, to have a place to call home without moving so much. To wake up to the mountains and something so green, that I would have a huge smile on my face every morning.
All I can say is I am sick of planning and being so organized. Being so uptight and having control of things. Sometimes things do not go the way we plan and that is completely alright. Things change and that is where I need to be.
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